So, when are you going to have a baby?

This weekend I am attending a family BBQ / birthday party. I will invariably be asked the following question(s):

When are you two lovebirds going to have a baby?
Have you thought about kids?
So, when are you newlyweds starting a family?
And on, and on, and on, and on... including sneaky versions of that question such as:
Oh, the Alpha Buck has such wonderful blue eyes, it would great if the kids got his eyes.
Oh, you two will make such beautiful babies.
And on, and on, and on, and on... until I consider wandering through the house praying to stumble across a shot gun so I can put myself (or better yet some nosy relatives) out of my misery.

This is my first family function 'post wedding' so my usual retort of "Ohhh, well my Mom will kill me if I get pregnant out of wedlock" is now moot and invalid. Not to mention, it was a pretty lame excuse in the first place.

(Drumroll)
So, for your amusement I submit my top ten replies to nosy maiden aunts and in-laws everywhere who ask the baby question:

• Hey, you have to give me $50 before I'll talk about my sex life.
• Well, Alpha Buck had a long dry spell before he met me, so we have a case of condoms to use up first.
• Can you spot us $250K for college?
• OH MY GOD -you'd really quit your job to babysit our child 14 hours a day so we don't have to pay for daycare. How freakin' wonderful!
  
• Did you know the world is scheduled to end in 2012? Seems senseless not to party and run up credit card debt for the next 5 years.
• We haven't consummated our marriage yet, I'm saving myself for a special occasion.
• Alpha Buck is moonlighting as a porn star, and he's gotta save it for the cameras - if you know what I mean.
• Well, I was abducted by aliens and they took all my eggs...
• We want to start trying to get pregnant - but my diaphragm is stuck and my fingers are short - think you can help me pull it out?
• I'm sorry, I missed the part where my life was your f@ckin' business.

Feel free to use as needed at your next family gathering.

ETA: The Alpha Buck and I would like to be parents someday in the future and hope that we are blessed with healthy baby(ies). However, pressure & prying from nosey relatives is the bane of my existence.