It's not a diet it's a lifestyle...

One of the reasons I began this blog was to chronicle my journey to a healthier incarnation of myself. Done a damn good job avoiding those types of posts, dontcha think? Why, you ask?

Well, because it's not a diet. It's my life, now and forever.

Why, you ask?

Because I know diets too well. I'm good at diets by the way - restrict calories for a predicted amount of time, scale number goes down, get compliments, buy new clothes, stop diet, gain weight back. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I ROCK that formula. And, it's all good, till we hit the weight gain portion of the festivities. Even though I ROCK that part of the formula too, it S-U-C-K-S.

It's very boring life really. Very tiring, to be on this treadmill (no pun intended) and every time you start the cycle, well the comments suck; they sting. But, you know what stings even more... the comments that roll in when you start to succeed on this new diet, er, lifestyle.

I started working with a trainer at my gym in November 2005, but had to take a four month break for medical reasons from December '05 to March '06. The start back was slow going and I didn't say a word about being on a diet. I just dedicated myself to eating well, consistent gym time and learning - - frustrating this new lifestyle is, because well, the scale stays put most of the time. Improvements were made and commented on - and like most fat (formerly fat, once again fat, perma fat, and reformed fat) girls - I was too hurt and bedraggled to comment on the comments one way or another.

This past July, irony of ironies just before my wedding, I made the move to an online trainer, who does diet and training. The guy knows his stuff cold and vast improvements have been made, culminating in my brother telling me I looked like a hobo and asking if he should call my husband and get me some money to buy new clothes?

This was actually a rare 'good' comment. My brother is so lean you can bounce loose change off various parts of his body 365 days a year; and he's my brother so you know he's a wise ass. "Oh Sister, you've lost body fat and your pants are positively falling off your svelte new frame" will never pass his lips. Plus, the truth is, I had been feeling silly about my shaggy new look.

Today's shopping trip saw me leaving the store with clothes in smaller sizes than have been in my closet for a long while. Now, I feel like I should be rejoicing but I am not able to, because the styles out today are pretty fitted and wearing fitted clothing freaks me out a bit. I bought some pretty ribbed, knit tops (size medium); ignoring the sales woman (ok, she was kind and helpful and pointed out some styles I wouldn't have tried, but looked pretty good on) and my husband who both felt the shirts fit better in size small. Why... well, I thought they might be a bit too fitted for work. My wardrobe has to pull double duty people.

Truthfully, I'm a pear shaped, so my torso shrunk first (so much even I can't deny this anymore) but I've still got plenty o'junk in my budunkadunk. I was in the outlet store of a designer who makes her name designing clothes for 'real women's bodies' meaning pants and skirts are cut for a woman who has hips and some junk in ye ole budunkadunk. Trust me, she is my new hero. And, the pants are in size that's new territory, too.

So, I didn't look like a hobo in the dressing room mirror, but I'm weary of wearing any of these new threads to work on Monday. Why?

It's those damn comments - and that cycle is as predictable as the diet cycle. I don't want to hear it. The comments are rude and they hurt and I'm not a wussy kind of girl, but that hurt is real. Very real.

The most cunning saboteurs are those who mean well, your friends who comment on how great you look and push you to cheat... "try a bite, you'll love it" they say, or the invites for lunch, dinner, drinks and the pissed off, snide comments when you decline. My favorite - heard many times, in many incarnations, from many, many people... "well, when will you be able to (enter category here) drink again, eat pizza again, shovel back a 4,000 calorie dinner again" that hurts because the implication is that we can't be friends if food/drinks aren't involved and the friendship is on hiatus until said time. Maybe the hiatus is permanent?

My favorite - though I've not gotten it yet this trip - is YOU'RE TOO SKINNY. OMG, have a sandwich, you're anorexic. Trust me, I will never be confused with Nicole Ritchie. E-V-E-R.

These comments hurt as much as when someone calls you fat, but our society condones them. In fact, I think they hurt more. These comments imply you were really really fat before but now you look really good, which means you looked like shit and no one told you 20 pounds ago.

They hurt because the people making them are the people you call friends and now you're unsure if you are still friends. You don't know if you belong with this crowd anymore. If this is where you belonged and you don't belong anymore, where do you belong? It's scary that a better, healthier you isn't embraced.

You don't mean to threaten anyone, but you do, and you know when people start asking for advice and whine about how they need to lose weight and they shouldn't be eating this or that but they eat it anyway (while you drool) and complain the whole time; that's when you know the friendship is on the wane. I'm not talking about a random comment, I'm talking about when every conversation centers on their need to lose weight for some event and they just don't shut up about it. The memories come back in a rush of pain and they still don't shut up, even as your eyes glaze over and you think, please, please, shut up. You have flashbacks of all your diet failures and they still whine endlessly. Why is this an issue, because this new lifestyle is about you, not them. Yet, you realize you're a threat, you're no longer on their side, on their team (in their minds) and well, you're fucked because you no longer belong and it's not safe anymore.

What should I do? What will I do? Don't know, really I don't. This time the course is uncharted because when you get to the rebound gain, you mend the broken friendships and start the cycle all over. This time I am not dieting so I hope there will be a new balance and a mending will occur, but it's not guaranteed.